I need a metalayer of internet use data that affects how certain things work in real life. Take my hand and walk with me into a beautiful hypothetical universe where all purchases happen like this:
- I go to buy something
- The point of purchase runs my credit/debit card to make sure I have enough money or credit
- NEW STEP: a parallel system runs my name through a different database and spits out a Person Score
- NEW STEP: the price is adjusted based on my Person Score
The Person Score is calculated based on some things, like
- The number of hateful comments I’ve left on YouTube videos in the last year
- My average level of racism on Xbox Live
- Whether I’ve been identified as a men’s rights activist
The price of the item you want to buy goes up or down depending on your Person Score.
- Me and my friends would probably get fairly good discounts on almost everything
- For some 14-yr-old boys, a Coke would cost sixty dollars
I’m okay with this. It does imply a sort of internet panopticon that watches and rates everything you do, but I think the world my system creates would be worth it.* Right up until the day 4chan hacks the Person Score formula to reward terrible behavior — but until then, we’ll be living in a gorgeous golden paradise. Who do I talk to in order to make this happen.
*All the extra money gets distributed to social justice or disease research. Hell, maybe people with especially excellent Person Scores get a yearly bonus?
Can someone please just port X-Wing and TIE Fighter to consoles already. I know there are a lot of controls (lookin’ at you, shield and power distribution keys), but surely this is a solvable problem. It doesn’t even have to be improved graphically. Give me the ships made of like 4 polygons, I don’t care. Let’s just get this going.
I recently found an install of X-Wing Alliance for a relatively modern Windows release that made me
- Download the file
- Unzip it
- Burn it to two discs
- Install it from the discs
- Run some patches
- Then start the game
And when I got in, I discovered it was broken — textures for the interior of my X-Wing were missing, rendering it basically unusable. The fix I think I found on a forum in some backwater corner of the internet suggested fucking with .bat files and scripts to nudge it back into a usable state.
I am serious when I say I have neither the time nor inclination to fuck with this bullshit. Console developers, whoever holds the rights at Lucasarts: there is money to be made here. Especially if you can make online multiplayer work. Can’t you smell the money? I’m just a simple man who wants to join a fighter wing. Let my dream take flight.
This’ll be short.
It seems clear now that Aliens: Colonial Marines isn’t the game we wanted. But what game did we want? Here’s what I was hoping for:
- Left 4 Dead-style four-player co-op more or less mandatory
- Players can only carry two weapons
- Standard loadout: pulse rifle + pistol
- Only one player per squad gets a flamethrower, or a smart gun
- Only one player gets a motion detector
Something like this would’ve allowed for some real tension while encouraging (if not outright requiring) player cooperation, which strikes me as essential for a game with “Colonial Marines” in the name.
I can make no claims as to how hard this would’ve been to implement. I only know this is the game I would’ve wanted to play. What about you?
Surely I’m not the only man who does this:
- Need to urinate
- Toilet seat is down
- I am in a public bathroom
- Don’t want to touch toilet seat
- Use foot to lift toilet seat
- Proceed as usual
Except: sometimes the toilet seat is shaped or situated in a way that makes the foot-lift maneuver impossible.
I would like to think that by now, in the year 2013, somebody would’ve had the brainwave to make sure every toilet seat in a public men’s room has a little protrusion on the side that makes it easier for us to kick the seat up so we don’t have to touch it with our hands. Who do I blame for this failure?
Every year when my birthday arrives, as it has today, I surf a flood of well-wishes that reminds me I know a whole ton of great, interesting, talented people. Which inevitably leads me to think we should all start a crime gang and pull off heists that will leave us comfortably rich for the rest of our lives without hurting civilians. Every time we pull off a flawless and stunning crime, we should send immaculate and elaborately-designed press releases to all major news organs touting our accomplishment.
We can do this. We have the talent, and we probably have the tools. We just need a name.
In order to create the most confusion possible for the public, the press, and law enforcement, our crime gang’s name should therefore be “The Republican Party.” Who’s with me.
Woke up this morning and wondered, very briefly, if it had all been a dream. Turns out it was true!
That means we can focus on making what I dreamed about last night a reality: a parking-garage-sized multi-story combination laser tag and haunted house experience with a Metroid theme.
We’ve got a lot of work to do, America. Let’s get to it.