March 2010
26 posts
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And now, a prophecy
This is what’s happened the last two or three times I’ve worn my rain boots:
I wake up; it’s raining.
I wear my boots to work (I have to take the bus and walk to the office, since I can’t ride a bike in the rain with glasses on). The rain is lightening by the time I get there.
Not a drop of rain past 10am.
On the way home, there’s definitely no rain, and possibly...
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ALL RIGHT, LISTEN
“Brakes” are the things that go on a car or bike and make it slow down or stop. When something “breaks,” it is broken and does not function properly. “Them’s the breaks” is an expression that relates to this concept. Someone “hits the brakes” when they want whatever is going on to slow down or stop. Please memorize this important information.
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Jesus says not to trust the gubmint? →
This sort of thing seems to pop up a lot with these idiot backwoods militias, in that they always seem to be a retardataire stew brewed from religious nuttery and anti-government sentiment. What is it that makes these two great tastes taste great together? Is there a chapter somewhere in the Bible that says “by the way, the federal government is not to be trusted, so start your weapon...
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I'm just putting this out there
Something that I don’t think anybody considered when they came up with the notion of the “open-plan office” and “pods” instead of cubicles is that people sometimes eat food. Sometimes this food causes a person to emit gases from the back of himself. The great thing about cubicles was that they more or less kept these emissions contained until they could disperse...
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My skull is the source of all suffering
Allergies again, and this time I’ve noticed that all of the symptoms are contained to the part of my body that surrounds my skull.
My eyes itch
The roof of my mouth itches
The interiors of my fucking nostrils itch (this may be the worst one)
I sneeze like a motherfucker
How do I remove my skull. Would that help.
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For fucksake →
I wish there was a way to make certain people sit down and read things. Like at gunpoint. How many troops do we have, again?
I swear there was a time when I thought this blog’s “politics” tag would be seldom-used.
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More lexical pioneering
I think I’m done saying “___ sucked” when evaluating something as bad. Isn’t it basically shorthand for “___ sucked cock”?* Listen:
There are those of us who enjoy having that done to them (me)
There are also those of us who enjoy doing that (several outstanding women I’ve known)
We need to pick something that nobody likes doing or having done to...
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Brainmystery
I need to get my sleep on, but I have to get this out there first: do you ever have trouble remembering details about things that happened to you in very recent memory? Like this, for instance: I recall driving in my car and talking to someone about the Ugly Duckling album Taste the Secret, which I thought at the time was marvelous because we were both familiar with it (not many people seem to...
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I am the most quotable pundit alive
“You can be crazy, fine, whatever. Your madness is your madness, and I don’t care as long as you can keep it to yourself. But if your madness starts to affect other peoples’ lives, you need to shut the fuck up.” (something I said over lunch today about Glenn Beck)
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This is where thinking takes you
At what point does the “crazy idiot” filter break down? I’m just wondering here, because it seems like I can’t go a week without reading a news article even in passing about some insane motherfucker that makes me think “How’d that crazy idiot get into that job in the first place?” It makes me wonder, because:
I don’t associate with any crazy...
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I know exactly what to do
You know what? Why don’t we all just start every sentence with “In a [evaluative phrase] on Obama’s healthcare reform initiative” from here on out? Would that contribute to the national dialogue? Let’s find out.
In a stinging referendum on Obama’s healthcare reform initiative, I plan on going to the bathroom to take a shit in about five minutes.
In a...
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My genius is not limited to new gadgets
I’m actually not sure whether this falls under the realm of architecture or what, but hear me out:
Temporarily close every indoor concert venue that exists
Pick a few key spots out on the floor
Sink a shallow, bowl-shaped depression about a foot deep into the floor in those spots
What we’ve done is created places for all those tall motherfuckers to stand where they won’t get...
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It's what we all are
Over on the other blog, I laid out some insulting terms for humans that silicon-based life would probably come up with, and one of them has definitely stuck with me: “leaky.” Although it works for pretty much every carbon-based life form, honestly. It’s gonna get used; doesn’t matter when exactly. It’s inevitable.
“Where ya goin’, leaky? Hey, leaky!...
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Core values are important
I don’t remember who came up with this brilliant notion (the last attempt at googling produced nothing), so whoever you are, I’m sorry: I hereby vow that if I ever decide to run for President, I will not shy away from my assertion that people who don’t believe in evolution should only be given first-generation antibiotics. “You’ve got a staph infection? Here, have...
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You know what we need
Can we have a Rock of Love show where the guy and his awful women try to accomplish a difficult and complex task together over the course of the entire season? Like build a house that’s compliant with local building codes, or teach a sullen teenager to love? I think that would be really interesting. It’s gonna be that, or Rock of Love Dirigible, where the contestants just descend on...
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Everyone else was doing it
If for some reason you’ve ever wanted to ask me a question, this would be a good way, though if what’s coming through is any indication, it might be a while before I get to yours. If ever. Who knew there could be so many questions?
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Fiction > fact
So you’ve seen this, right? I was hoping the answer would be a little crazier than “They just don’t like it.” I used to have a dog, a big ol’ German shepherd named Mac, who would howl whenever the air raid siren* downtown went off; it was faintly audible from our house out in the boonies. I always liked to think Mac believed it was a giant dog somewhere far away,...
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It is inevitable; it is my destiny
I’ve been living here in the Bay Area for almost a decade now, and I’m pretty sure I still haven’t used the word “hella” in conversation. There have been times where I’ve almost used it, but stopped myself because it still sounded weird. Will that keep happening? Will “hella” gradually become normal to me? This is what I wonder. At any given...
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Here's a mystery for you
As a man of the world, I feel like I generally understand the point of things like Twitter spambots. Going through my list of followers today,* I ran across @jennifer102896. If that’s not a name that screams “spambot,” what is, right? But take a look at its actual tweets.
What the hell is it doing?
It’s missing some of the key spambot signifiers:
No suspicious-looking...
